The only thing I hated more than getting paid was accepting help. I would power through anything just to show that I wasn’t weak. I would always help others and would never have thought them weak when they needed help, but I held myself to a different set of rules. Now somehow this is only a certain kind of help. I am quite helpless when something falls on the floor and I don’t want to pick it up. Or if I don’t feel like going and getting something.
There’s something else that gets triggered when I need help in other ways. Like if I feel it is going to put someone out that’s a no. I’ve got it. If I feel it’s something that I should carry because I’ve made a certain decision. No, I’ve got it. If it’s something that makes me feel weak or incapable…no, I’ve got it. So this one time I said yes and had to feel my feelings around that. I had to accept that I couldn’t do it all on my own and that was so very hard. I know how good helping others makes me feel and I have kept my friends from getting to experience that with me because I told them no every time they offered.
I hate when people tell me that I can’t help them! So I remembered that and sat in the feelings of inadequacy so that they could feel good and I got a little of my load taken off my shoulders. I said yes and thank you and didn’t explain how I could have done it on my own. And didn’t diminish their contribution to my life. I just said yes. It gets easier every time. And if I have to tell myself that I’m doing it for them until I forget the icky feelings it brings up then that’s ok. Whatever works in order to get through this very uncomfortable part of my growth. I’m stronger when I’m vulnerable is a mantra I need repeated all day long. Sometimes bravery is admitting you can’t do it all. I know how good helping others makes me feel and I have kept my friends from getting to experience that with me because I told them no every time they offered.
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