I remember the first time I consciously let go. I was behaving badly: acting out, tantruming, wanting to cry and kick stuff. Basically, acting like a three-year-old. I realized, in that moment, that those behaviors came out whenever I was trying not to feel something painful or if I was avoiding something that I didn’t want to face. I separated myself from the situation and went and sat alone on my bed and just let it wash over me. It was terrifying, at first. I was avoiding it for a reason, right? Feelings can be so big and scary. I kept coming back to the fear that the feelings would sweep me away. I sat in the fear. I didn’t hide from it and let it come.
At first it felt like panic and fear so I breathed and reminded myself that I was safe and supported. Once I was open to the feelings, I was able to tap into what was bothering me. In this case, I was afraid that I had gone backwards in my healing process and would have to start over. I felt like all the work I had done over the years was a sham. I felt like I had simply covered over the feelings and pushed myself through it without actually healing. It was scary and frustrating to think that I had to start over. I then picked up the We book and was reminded that healing is not a straight line.
It’s a revisiting, not a regression, and sometimes you have to experience it many times before healing comes. I wrote that down. I took it in and I reminded myself of that daily…sometimes many times a day…for a while until I got good enough at it. Sometimes bravery is revisiting something over and over again.
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