I remember the first time I consciously let go. I was behaving badly: acting out, tantruming, wanting to cry and kick stuff. Basically, acting like a three-year-old. I realized, in that moment, that those behaviors came out whenever I was trying not to feel something painful or if I was avoiding something that I didn’t want to face. I separated myself from the situation and went and sat alone on my bed and just let it wash over me. It was terrifying, at first. I was avoiding it for a reason, right? Feelings can be so big and scary. I kept coming back to the fear that the feelings would sweep me away. I sat in the fear. I didn’t hide from it and let it come.
At first it felt like panic and fear so I breathed and reminded myself that I was safe and supported. Once I was open to the feelings, I was able to tap into what was bothering me. In this case, I was afraid that I had gone backwards in my healing process and would have to start over. I felt like all the work I had done over the years was a sham. I felt like I had simply covered over the feelings and pushed myself through it without actually healing. It was scary and frustrating to think that I had to start over. I then picked up the We book and was reminded that healing is not a straight line.
It’s a revisiting, not a regression, and sometimes you have to experience it many times before healing comes. I wrote that down. I took it in and I reminded myself of that daily…sometimes many times a day…for a while until I got good enough at it. Sometimes bravery is revisiting something over and over again.
If you enjoyed this episode and want to dig deeper into each story, my husband Rob and I do an exclusive companion podcast on my Patreon page. We give further background into the story and include the spouse’s perspective. Each one of these episodes averages 45 minutes to an hour. Find the link below.
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