When It Rains… Let It – Number 6

   I’ve spent most of my life trying not to feel my feelings. It hasn’t really worked out for me, or for the people around me, because feelings come out whether we want to feel them or not. They come out in ways we don’t intend them to when we repress them. I would act aggressively, or be angry about things I wasn’t actually angry about, or sadder than appropriate for the situation. The more I repressed the feelings the more inappropriate my behavior became. While doing the WE book, I came across the line “When it rains, let it.” This became my focus and my mantra. My whole life I felt like I was staring up at the sky and shouting, “Don’t you dare rain on me. Not one freaking drop so help me God.” I would do just about anything to avoid the feelings because I was so afraid that if I felt one drop that it would turn into a deluge and I wouldn’t be able to control it. I thought I would never stop crying if I allowed myself to start. I thought that the feelings would overwhelm me and I’d die so this was one of the hardest steps I’d ever taken in my life. I tried starting out slowly. Ok, one small feeling. Survived that. It was ok and I didn’t act out in other ways for days avoiding it. So far so good. I may just survive this. Sometimes bravery is relinquishing control.