Month: October 2020

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Assistant Directed – Number 24

I’ve avoided most jobs that had titles. I’ve been a babysitter, nanny, baby-store employee/manager, baby-store owner, and there was that failed attempt as a clerk at Fanny Mae candy. A lot of those jobs were me as the boss so to speak. I struggle with authority. I struggle with behaving like a normal person. I struggle with expectations put on me. I panic and I get raging diarrhea and I want to quit. So offering to Assistant Direct with my name on the program shines a light on me that I am not comfortable with. It places expectations on me and I’m getting paid so I have to deliver. When I volunteer people are happy with whatever scraps I will throw at them. If they are paying me, they want me to function…like a person. I did it. 

And it was scary. But I wrote out the expectations (I did actually google what an assistant director does and made a list because that’s how I roll) and I showed Rob and said, “I can do this list.” And I did do the list and I loved it! And I didn’t fall apart and I didn’t drown in the expectations and I didn’t make Rob do all the work. I did a thing and saw it all the way through and got paid and enjoyed it. It was a Christmas miracle. Sometimes bravery is believing you can. 

If you enjoyed this chapter and want to dig deeper into each story, my husband Rob and I do an exclusive companion podcast on my Patreon page.  We give further background into the story and include the spouse’s perspective.  Each one of these episodes averages 45 minutes to an hour. 
 
I also share different content across my social media channels and at my blog on the website.  
 
Podcast: Broken to Brave on Libsyn
Website: BrokenToBrave.com
Facebook: @BrokentoBravePodcast
Twitter: @broken2brave

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I Allowed Myself to Get Paid – Number 23

I have always devalued my worth. I have always given away my gifts and talents and time for free or very low cost. I was taught that you were a better person if you sacrificed. That it was noble to give freely. That there was shame in taking money. I am so glad that this was the moment that I broke through those destructive thoughts. Rob was asked to direct a staged reading of “It’s a Wonderful Life.” Now normally I would help him, quietly, without a title or payment, but this time I asked him if I could assistant direct. 

He asked the person in charge and they said that he could hire an assistant director. I told him that I wanted that role and wanted to be paid for it. Once again pulling his jaw up off the floor, he was thrilled and we became an official team on paper. I finally allowed myself to get paid and dealt with the role and responsibilities that went with that role. Slowly but surely I’m healing and growing and becoming. 

 

Sometimes bravery is seeing your value. 

If you enjoyed this chapter and want to dig deeper into each story, my husband Rob and I do an exclusive companion podcast on my Patreon page.  We give further background into the story and include the spouse’s perspective.  Each one of these episodes averages 45 minutes to an hour. 
 
I also share different content across my social media channels and at my blog on the website.  
 
Podcast: Broken to Brave on Libsyn
Website: BrokenToBrave.com
Facebook: @BrokentoBravePodcast
Twitter: @broken2brave

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Volunteered to be a beta for fan fiction – Number 22

Someone posted that there was going to be an X-Files fan fiction writing challenge and they needed beta’s. I didn’t actually know what a beta did except that it seemed like it was some kind of editor. I love editing so I figured that I would just put it out there that I was interested and learn as I went along. I can’t quite explain how out of character that was for me. I won’t even eat at a restaurant without knowing ahead of time what I am ordering. I don’t do anything without masters level research, yet here I was going with the flow and willing to learn as I went along?! This list was definitely having effects on me that I never expected. So I sent a message to the person coordinating the writing challenge offering to help beta. She  wrote me back and I realized that now I was really engaged. 

They didn’t end up using me to help, but that wasn’t the point. The fact that I volunteered and followed through with the sign up and responded to the messages instead of running away and/or telling them that I had made a mistake and would actually be too busy to do it after offering was a big deal. That was my usual MO. I would panic and retreat, if I even offered to begin with. This list was really breaking me out of my comfort zone. Even though I was in control, it felt the opposite. My heart and brain were working against my fear and ego and my heart and brain were winning. Sometimes bravery is sharing your gifts.

If you enjoyed this chapter and want to dig deeper into each story, my husband Rob and I do an exclusive companion podcast on my Patreon page.  We give further background into the story and include the spouse’s perspective.  Each one of these episodes averages 45 minutes to an hour. 
 
I also share different content across my social media channels and at my blog on the website.  
 
Podcast: Broken to Brave on Libsyn
Website: BrokenToBrave.com
Facebook: @BrokentoBravePodcast
Twitter: @broken2brave